How much would it cost to have Morgan Freeman follow me around and narrate my daily activities? I’m sure that the laundry, dishes, and vacuuming would actually be exciting and suspenseful or sobering and meaningful if Morgan Freeman were to slowly describe each task in poetic detail. His voice is like creamy butter sweetened with honey.
But not that Country Crock with store brand honey though. Oh, no, no, no. The real stuff, loaded with fat, that tastes like being at grandma's house for Sunday dinner. It's only a memory, a whisper, of how good things could be if only Morgan Freeman were to narrate your life... Ah...
Whatever he charges for daily activity narration, I probably can’t afford it. Maybe I’ll just get out my copies of “Seven” and “The Shawshank Redemption” and see what kind of magic I can work with my audio equipment. I’ll keep you posted on my progress. (Which is unlikely to get far, but I'll get to why in a little bit.)
Another thing I spent far too many hours contemplating this week: scarves. Is that stupid scarf trend going to make its way back to the summer months this year? I never got that. It’s hot out, so let’s wear shorts, sandals, a tank top, and a scarf?
Am I the only one who sees how little sense this makes? If you don’t want to get all sweaty and stinky, why on earth would you wear a scarf around your neck in 80 degree weather? Uh, duh! I just really hope we’ve gotten over that trend for the time being. Chalk it up to a bad idea.
If it doesn’t come back, then I won’t drag up the topic of those horrid Ancient Rome-booty-sandal-or-are-they moccasins (?) thingies. Seriously, no one looks good in those. If I saw one of my friends wearing a pair of those atrocious monstrosities, I'd totally buy her a new pair of shoes, and then make her put them on immediately. I don't want anyone else to see me with her in those stupid things.
Speaking of fashion, the 80's? WTF, my friend? Those clothes didn't even look good back in the 80's. Wanna borrow my Aqua-Net? I'll dig it out of the time capsule, which must be where you found those hideous jeans. Can you say "stone washed"? And does that mean I get to stone you for stealing my humorous Halloween attire? Now I need a whole new costume trunk because dressing like an 80's ass hat will make me look like I'm not even wearing a costume.
Speaking of terrifying, let's address reality television's new, and lame, obsession...
Reality shows with wives have been plaguing my week. I’m a wife. I’m not that exciting. Wives are not exciting. Is this how they’re conning women into marriage these days? I'm also a mother. Being a wife and a mother is not glamorous, especially when I come to the realization I haven't showered in two days. The I'll notice my stink, but instead of rushing to the nearest bar of soap, I think "Eh, so I smell. No one really cares if I smell. I'll shower on Thursday when my husband returns from his business trip." And then I go look for any and all available chocolate. Yum... Chocolate.
There are ridiculous amounts of reality shows with married women acting a fool. I might act a fool on occasion, but you sure as shit ain’t gonna see me broadcast my crazy. Just what I need, to be walking down the aisle at the grocery store to have some other wife stop and say, “aren’t you that crazy wife who checks her husband’s emails?” or “aren’t you the nutter from that wife show who throws $200,000 first birthday parties?”
Yeah… not really exciting.
Basically it reminds me of high school when my girlfriends would get into every aspect of their boyfriend’s life and question him about it. Or, it reminds me of the fierce competition, again in high school, to throw the best party and get the coolest kids to show up. Didn’t we graduate? Why hasn’t life changed for these people? It kinda creeps me out.
I've already thought of what's going to irk me next week, so I better wrap it up...
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